What I've learned about Friends, Facebook Style

Being a tech-savy, middle-aged Grandma, I jumped right in after learning about MySpace, then Facebook. Wow! Being “Friended” by old high-school acquaintances after 30 or more years, looking at pictures of my cousins kids and their kids, how cool is this! By the time I had reached closed to 300 Friends I started to notice certain patterns emerging. I'm listing them in this article, and betting that as you read this you see that you have Friends that fit into each one of these categories.

1. The Swift-Fingered Avenger – Everyone has been wronged by someone. The Swift-Fingered Avenger is the poster who takes obvious revenge online. A typical post will read something like “Don't you just love it when your so-called friends stab you in the back and can't be bothered to return your calls? Some people just need to grow up.” The Swift-Fingered Avenger's objective is settling a score without having to actually say anything to the Offender. The Offender is obviously an online Friend, or the friend of one who, knowing all about the situation (because the Swift-Fingered Avenger can't get revenge without making sure that the Offender gets wind of the post) can't wait to rush back and tell them what was written about them. Often the messenger has a scathing rebuttal comment, or the Swift-Fingered Avenger's Friends will make sympathetic comments. So, I've learned that Facebook affords one the opportunity to slap a face without actually having to face anyone. Okay, so it's cowardly, but convenient, and oh-so satisfying if used correctly.

2. The Visual Narcissist – Hopefully your new Friend will have photo albums posted in their profile, especially if you haven't seen them in many years. However, if you start looking at their photo albums, and the album lists 400 or more photos, and as you click through them you start to realize (with horror) that most or all of the photos are of the Friend, some in clusters of 100 or more in the same outfit on the same night, file this Friend in the Visual Narcissist File. The typical Visual Narcissist is between the ages of 18-30, with some variation in either direction. Their typical photo shows them grinning becomingly into a close-up camera (close because their arms are only so long, and you will see the arms extended on the sides of the shot). You see their very best come-hither seductive pose, always showing their “best side.” Or you will see them pictured out on a Friday night at the club, wearing a very cute outfit, with their hair on point, posing with everyone in the club. However, the one thing all the shots will have in common is that your Friend is in them. All of them. Okay, WE GET IT. You looked really cute that night, but 300 shots? Very quickly I learned that if I get notification that one of my Visual Narcissist Friends has posted photos, I don't have to look at them. I've seen them before.

3. The TMI Narcissist differs from the Visual Narcissist in that their preferred update method is mundane information, e.g. “Tom just brushed his teeth and is now leaving for work” or “Candie had a tuna sandwich, chips and a pickle for lunch.” Now we all love Tom and Candie, but many posts aren't really worth all the clutter on my news feed page. Everyone wakes up and brushes his/her teeth, or has lunch. Big deal. I love to read about your exotic vacation, your personal achievements, and your new children/grandchildren, but really. TMI Narcissists, resist the urge to type an update if you don't have anything to say! What really gets to me is when they “Like” their own mundane post, or comment on it! You want to just call these people up and invite them to a movie for their sake, to save them from their own boring lives, but I've learned that if you do, you risk reading about it in atrocious detail later on Facebook.

4. The Emotional Objector – One of the first things I learned on Facebook is that if your Friends have a different political opinion than yours, you will learn quickly. And that's okay. After all, many of my Friends are really just casual acquaintances. Plus, everyone has an opinion and nobody's is more valuable than anyone else's. Another valuable lesson is that you never reply angry. The Emotional Objector disregards all that (because surely, only their point of view matters), to the point where you are tempted to de-friend them. I've learned that if you are interested in maintaining that relationship, just filter out their updates. That way, you don't have to look at their predictable, angry screeds, but can send them a message, or check in on them from time to time when you want to. This method also works for the other Facebook types listed in this column.

5. The Zealot – Once again, “Okay Friend. WE GET IT.” The Zealot has a Mission and they want to make damn sure you understand what it it. Post after post (after post) about their cause, sometimes 10 at a time. At first you read them because you are excited about reconnecting with them and want to see what they have done with their lives. Then, after a while, you realize that, well, something has snapped, and you respond politely, sometimes with a friendly “Like” just so they think you are still connected (why you care, you don't know; maybe in remembrance of that fun person you used to know!) when they've posted something you may agree with. While it's a nice gesture, remember, that it's risky behavior on your part. It's enabling, and you are just leading them on. I've learned that the best way to deal with Zealots is to ignore them, unless they are commenting on one of your own updates that has nothing to do with their cause.

Those are just a few of my observations. It's challenging juggling communications with 300 “Friends” on a regular basis, but can also be quite rewarding if you can keep up. You just have to take the time to learn the ropes.